my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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