I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
