she woke up with a sticky ear
I just threw up on my dentist
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
