Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
