I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
