she was so not down for the gang bang
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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