i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He? As in you personified your dick?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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