plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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