last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I skipped work to stalk him.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?