I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.