Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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