I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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