Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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