God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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