Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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