Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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