You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
