Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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