chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
