dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
