I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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