SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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