some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
