I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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