Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
soo... how was my night?
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