Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
