Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So many bounce houses so little time
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
