What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
