Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
