I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We're too hungover to prance.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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