Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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