If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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