Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There's always time for handjobs
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
