Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
