Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
