Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
