3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're like the curious george of whores
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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