put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
