He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
