Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
