I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
