my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
