Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
