Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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