Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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