i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
