grandma shit on top of the toilet
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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