Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
