You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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