either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
