Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
