I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize