My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
