nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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