dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
