Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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