I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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